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Surrendering To The Divine

by John Payne, March 1996

My recent adventure into television has taught me a lot about surrendering to the Divine. Although I accept that a part of channeling professionally means being seeing publicly, nothing had prepared me for the fears that I faced regarding something that could be seen as quite simple.

I had a crisis of confidence and was deluged with thoughts that questioned my worthiness, and whether I was good enough. Thoughts that said 'Who are you to go on television'. In the midst of feeling all this, I spoke with a very dear friend of mine, Biene, who began to tell me about her understanding and experience of surrendering to the Divine. The conversation reminded me of a very precious part of myself that I had seemed to have lost contact with in recent years. The part of me that embraced more of a religious aspect of my spirituality. Although I had been in the habit of using prayer, I had seemingly cut myself off from this part of myself that needed to acknowledge the Divine in my life, my gratitude, my reverence for the beauty of creation, and my deeply held desire to serve the Light. Looking at these feelings, I came to realise that I had been suppressing my own deeply held religious feelings owing to past heartaches in relationship to religion. Therefore, I became almost adamantly Spiritual and definitely not religious. What the difference is between the two, I am still not sure of, however, I created a difference, stuck to my guns, dug my heels in, and cut off a part of myself in the process.

I began to truly understand in the duration of my telephone call that I am truly only an instrument and that whatever weaknesses, perceived faults and parts of my life where I find it difficult to hold love and light, were not on trial. If there was a trial, it was definitely me playing judge and jury. There was no defence lawyer because I had pronounced myself guilty before the case even began! It was during this process of realising that I was not on trial, but that I would simply be acting as a spokesperson for an aspect of God's love and light, that I rediscovered the real power of prayer again. I began to see how I could offer my fears, doubts and feelings of unworthiness back to the Divine. I began to see how I could offer these feelings back to God with a sense of gratitude because the feelings and events in my life were God telling me exactly where I was. For this I was grateful.

Being overweight, the next stage of seeing the video clips was horrifying. My inner critic when into a full performance, ruthless, uncharitable and downright hostile. No, I didn't see a channel, I couldn't even hear Omni's words. All I saw was a fat body! Again the doubts came back. I couldn't see that Omni's or my words, what we have to share, may assist someone, and that it was in service to the Divine, I only imagined that the thousands of people watching me would just sit back and say: 'boy, he's fat..' and turn the TV off!

So why am I thankful, and what has this got to do with surrendering to the Divine? Oprah Winfrey uses a wonderful little analogy in her shows. It goes something like this. 'When God wants to give you a message, he throws a little pebble at your feet, if you miss it, it then becomes a stone that is thrown, if you miss that, it becomes a brick, then a brick wall, and finally a house my cave in on you...'. I guess the adventure onto TV was my brick! Although I have done a lot of emotional work with myself, I had been ignoring signals to go deeper, to look at my feelings about being overweight and about my body. In this way, I am thankful for the opportunity to see myself so clearly.

This experience has taught me to offer my fear, pain, anger, desperation as well as my joy, delight and gratitude back to the Divine. In this way, I have begun to see more clearly exactly what Omni has meant when he says... 'Every event in your life, whether you experience them as being good or bad, is Divine Grace in action.' Wise and very true words. However, like everyone, words remain words until you can experience them, and then integrate them into your life and into your heart.

The Power of Prayer

John & Omni

Over the past few months I have learned quite a lot about the power of prayer that I would like to share with you. Omni has always pushed me a little in this direction, and although I have resisted at times, it has been very rewarding. Most people, and certainly I did, see prayer as a form of worship, or of expressing gratitude to the Divine for what they have. Often, prayer is a form of polite begging, a habit Omni has encouraged me to stop. I would ask permission, ask God to create things in my life that I felt I couldn't do etc. Well, those of you that have heard Omni, and know him well, are probably laughing right now wondering how as his channel I managed to get away with it for so long! Well, I didn't. I was moaning about my financial situation one day and Omni suggested that I pray for money. What! That's not allowed! That's sacrosanct, heresy,, no, that's definitely not allowed....I cried. Omni was quite amused, in his usual inimitable way. Well anyway, he assured me that it was ok, it was allowed, and that I wouldn't offend God by doing it.

After having done it, I then understood Omni's wisdom in directing me to pray in this way. It felt so uncomfortable, I could barely speak. Who me? Little old me, asking God for cash!? Well, it was my feelings that were doing all the teaching here. Why was I so afraid? What was this feeling of not being allowed or not being good enough? This experience taught me a lot about myself and my beliefs surrounding money and my own self worth. I have learned that if there is any subject that you couldn't imagine praying about, that is the very subject you should start with. Talk to God about your bank balance, your sex life, your in-laws, you deepest fears, bad temper, arrogance, selfishness etc. But not in the sense of begging for forgiveness, but as if you are talking with your very best friend. Good Luck!

A word from Omni

When you are deep in reverent prayer, you are in contact with your soul. This is why it is beneficial, and healing, to go into a state of deep prayer to share the things that trouble you with the Divine. Let go of the concept of needing forgiveness, or that God may or may not listen to you. Forgiveness starts and ends with the self. Prayer can be a very powerful form of therapy and will lead you down a golden road of self discovery that you may not have realised you had. Prayer is one of the most rapid routes to uncovering your fears and doubts about yourself, and it will empower you to bring about changes in the way you act and react in the world. At moments when you have reached a point of surrender in prayer, a great light pours down upon you, and shines forth from within you, this is when you have the experience of God in your heart. It is through surrendering everything you have to the Divine that will bring you most rapidly towards enlightenment in this lifetime . . .

John Payne